Spaceship delivery robots will be equipped with new protective gearThe Badger Herald



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This morning’s Starship press conference was applauded as the robot company unveiled its 2021-2022 bid for the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s lucrative $ 53.2 million food delivery contract.

Starship, already experienced and known for delivering food to the college area, has announced plans to equip the current generation of food delivery robots with additional defensive measures, including military-grade ERA or explosive reactive armor.

Starship presenter Chuck Tingle said that although explosive attacks against food delivery robots are relatively weak, “our offering is intended to provide pre-emptive defense for the safety of food delivery.”

Many have asked what motivated the decision to include such a high-tech armor device on a “simple food delivery robot”.

“The inclusion of the EURENCO MBT 2 inch thick reactive explosive armor was not taken lightly, and I assure you that all possible avenues for food delivery success have been explored,” Tingle said.

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Along with the inclusion of ERA, Starship also plans to outfit its robots with rugged, military-grade Kevlar helmets and a new camouflage paint job. The reasoning behind the robot’s Kevlar helmets is obvious. Many reporters, however, questioned the overall color scheme.

When asked “why was a jungle / desert / woodland camouflage scheme chosen for an urban and often snow-covered area like Madison, Wis.” Rep. Tingle replied protectively.

“The camouflage decision was made to improve survivability in several environments. Our research shows that at an observation level of one meter, there is realistically no trace of the delivery robot when placed in front of all common battlefield environments ”, he said.

Other offers made during the conference were completely overshadowed by Starship’s dominant presentation. Among those offers was one from the IT department at UW. The department claimed it could dramatically increase the intelligence and delivery speed of Starships robots by “rewriting the code that drives robots in a language other than Scratch,” a venture that would take “$ 10 and one after- midday”.

Another offer was made by the Department of Mechanical Engineering at UW.

“Just add sensors so they don’t hit snowbanks, and that will increase efficiency by 50%,” one engineer said sarcastically and panting.

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Starship claims that increasing its defense will not only deter attacks from “those who wish to harm the food of the great American people”, but also “will protect the precious cargo inside in case of contact with the enemy.”

“The explosive reactive armor we’ve chosen provides protection against a variety of opposing anti-food delivery weapons, including RPG-7s, ISILs, various ATMs, and college idiots who think he’s fun. to hit little food delivery robots for no reason, ”Tingle said, almost to the verge of tears.

Asked about their thoughts on future plans, Tingle replied: “In the future, Starship hopes to continue to lead this fight for safety with the assembly of anti-tank rocket systems, defensive smoke, rocket launchers and rocket launchers. ‘a 120mm M1A2 Abrams. tank turret.

Local badgers can now rest easy knowing their food delivery service is going nowhere and will be safer than ever next school year.

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